So I thought coming home would be this big momentous event where I'd go back to school rejuvenated, and complete. That didn't happen, not at all. Actually I am more stressed and emotional now then I was before. I'm kind of upset because it really is a bad thing to link these feelings to a place you are supposed to consider home. Hopefully Thanksgiving will bring about warmer feelings.

I went to SU for this scholarship interview for three days. Yesterday, we went to see Bill Nye's lecture on global warming. It was really fascinating, there were some little kids there, generally an overall good time. So, we get back to the hotel, and enter one of the elevators to go to the fourth floor. The door opens on the second floor and fucking Bill Nye the Science Guy walks on to the elevator. Shakes all our hands and we immediatlly freak out when we get out. No one was smart enough to ask for a picture or an autograph. Seriously, one of the coolest things ever.

I am finally done all my college applications. I never thought this day would come. After writing God knows how many supplemental essays, stressing over the SATs and basically selling my soul to the colleges, I am done. Now I have to wait in agony for March. I really hope time passes quickly. Words cannot explain how elated I am. Free at last, Free at last.

Generally, I am happy with the classes I am taking. The only thing I am dissapointed about is the lack of variety. I see the same people over and over again. I wish I could have taken more electives so that I could see different people. I'm worried about Chem mostly. I said that about APUSH last year and it all ended well, so I hope it works out the same way. I really can't think of anything else. I should list goals, but the only thing I can think of is getting into a good college. I am not saying I have to go to some elite school, I just want to go to a school where I feel like I belong. Theres a feeling you usually get when you go somewhere and everything just seems to fall into place. I want that. Anyway, I am off to bed. 

i bought a car today. i am pretty happy with it. it's a little green saturn. i had to pay for most of it, which makes me proud. finally i'm going to get something out of all the hours i've had to work this summer. i pick it up monday. i'm very happy.

I believe the accurate term for what happened today to me was, "the shit hit the fan." I had quite the mental breakdown, complete with heaving, red eyes, and over eating. It was long over due. I don't believe I have cried for 9 months, so it was about time I put on the waterworks. It was good, I needed it. I'm glad I'm over it now. Boston was nice, but the way people acted dissapointed me. If it weren't for my intense phobia of people watching me cry, I probably would have. I really love the city, and all it's culture. I can deffinately see myself going to school there. Now I have to go catch up with the life I left behind, so I will write again soon enough.

Well, where to start? It has been ages since I've written in this journal. I miss the days when I wrote until my fingers tired and my eyes blurred. I miss the therapy.

Anyway...life has been good. Not the artificial, smiling to hide the pain good, but generally, I am content. Let me explain. My brother is really into the book The Law of Attraction. It's about exuding positive energy. The underlying principal is that "if you want something bad enough, and truly believe you will get it, you will recieve what ever you asked for." Of course I am a skeptic and thought that was a bunch of self-help bull shit, but I decided that I might as well try it in the slim chance that it might actually happen. So...I get my report card and every single grade is over a 96, i get a job, I develop deeper relationships with friends, and well other things as well. I didn't get to take my driving test like I wanted because I was missing a form, but instead of breaking down about it, I decided to think positively. The weather was bad this time around, so next time it will probably be sunny. I'm taking things in stride. I'm starting to believe the positive things people say about me. I'm starting to believe that it is okay that some of the time I like books more than people, that Grey's Anatomy is better than sex, that going to bed early on a weekend doesn't automatically make me a nerd, and that there really is beauty in poetry. I like this feeling, so I guess it wasn't all nonsense. I really wish I knew this earlier. Unfourtunately Fourtunately, I have to go to work. 

Happy Birthday Maureen!

I just had a really good day today.  It almost gives me the courage to pursue a career in journalism. I could always free lance on the side? I don't know, what I'll do but the feeling I got today was something I deffinately want to feel again.

The article I wrote about black stereotypes was selected to be in the Post-Standard. It's probably one of the coolest things that has happened to me. It's nice to be recognized for something you enjoy. I guess the equivelant of making All-State for musicians. When I sent it in I really wasn't expecting anything of it, but when I got of the phone I squeeled. Anyways, today I went to Syracuse to the Post-Standard building for a photoshoot. It was so incredibly fun. I pulled out the Paris Hilton[you know, the look over your shoulder, suck in your stomach and smile seductively pose. minus the fact, i can't do sexy], and kept thinking about the things Tyra says on America's Next Top Model. "No dead hands. Make love to the camera."Models seriously have the best jobs ever, except for the whole not eating thing. Getting paid to be pretty..come on it doesn't even require a degree.